Of all the news that I missed over the last week, nothing was more shocking than learning that Chris Kaman is a barber. For a refresher, here are a few pictures of Chris Kaman.
How does anybody turn to Chris Kaman for a haircut? Apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking along these same lines. Below is an exchange between Brad Townsend of the Dallas Morning News and Jason Kid.
Kidd: "Hey, have you talked to Dirk?" Townsend: "Yeah. Have you seen his hair?" Kidd: "Yeah. Man, who did that?" Townsend: "Chris Kaman. If you are Dirk and you make his money, do you let Chris Kaman cut your hair?" Kidd: "No way."
As you might have imagined, I would never let Chris Kaman touch my mane.
Yesterday, we reported the Madison Mallards' contract offer to Gary Coleman. As it turns out, Coleman decided to accept their proposal and made his baseball debut last night. He was promptly thrown out.
Here's the video:
Thankfully, the ump comes through with a short joke!
The Madison Mallards, a minor league baseball team in the midsts of a playoff push, are willing to win at all costs. The Mallards, in what is being considered an unprecedented move, have offered a contract to a former star: Gary Coleman of Different Strokes fame.
“As the Mallards prepare for the playoffs we feel that we need a special player to help put us over the top,” said Stenman. “Gary brings a lot of intangibles to the field and I feel like his presence would help invigorate our club as they get ready for a run at a championship. You can’t coach a strike zone like Gary has and I anticipate him being a force at the top of our lineup.”
Manager C.J. Thieleke is excited about the possibility to work with the star.
“I feel like he could develop a couple different strokes to rule the Northwoods League,” said Thieleke.
Under league rules, Coleman would not earn a paycheck for his play. He has yet to accept the contract offer. Until then, Mallards and their fans will be keeping their fingers crossed.
The Red Sox have ridded themselves of their major malcontent, Manny Ramirez, by trading him to the Dodgers. In the weeks leading up to the trade, it was obvious the relationship between club and star was deteriorating. I mean, just ask Buster Olney: it took Manny 5.7 seconds to run out a grounder; that's glacial in baseball terms!
As with any nasty breakup, both sides will try to paint the other as the bad guy. Manny had his turn yesterday, saying the Red Sox were a bunch of backstabbers. No word from the team.
I can only imagine what the writers, who no longer rely on Manny for interviews, will have to say...
Manny Ramirez beats on the elderly.
Manny Ramirez hates kids dying from cancer.
Manny Ramirez fakes injuries.
Manny Ramirez hits his teammates.
Manny Ramirez hates the troops.
Manny Ramirez didn't keep a promise that he made when he was in his teens.
Manny Ramirez is the biggest bum ever.
Wow.
So, Mr. Callahan, why wait until Manny was traded to share this with his (former) fans? Were you afraid to write, "Hey, you know that guy you fans adore? He's a real jerk," when the fans still supported him? Were you under orders to keep that stuff quiet? What gives?
Now, I'm not defending Manny Ramirez. Most likely, he is a jerk. I just love how some writers sit on this stuff until after the fact.
Every summer, the NBA gathers its rookies together for a publicity photo shoot, and every summer, I become more and more convinced the photographers try to make the pictures fun creating awkward poses. This year, the rookies -- especially Joe Alexander -- are hilarious as ever.
(Note: If you want the large versions, click on the pictures.)
For fifteen cents a day, you can save an impoverished child like Anthony Randolph.
JaVale McGee, equipped with a headband and laser eyes, will destroy you.
What is he grabbing? OMGZ!
"All I wanted was a big boy chair."
Mario had to stand on the stool, and he didn't even get a number?!!?!
While tiptoeing, Mario changed his tune; the stool wasn't so bad after all.
Roy Hibbert is one seductive seven-foot-three-er. Ladies...
Has any 6-10 power forward been transformed into a nonathletic point guard through the magic of film?
Middle school volleyball players don't even dare to try this pose.
Joe "I'm Just Programmed to Stiffen Up in Front of Cameras, OK!" Alexander. (Editor's Note: Despite his up-and-coming porn 'stache, we did not intend for the double meaning in Joe's nickname. The Undrafted Free Agent regrets the error.)
Little known fact: Joe Alexander was a top-ranked Chinese star-throwing ninja before returning to the United States. Hence this picture.
Joe being Joe With Hand.
It may just be me, but there seems to be a bit of The Price is Right in this pose.
Joe has loads of charisma.
Finally, Joe isn't the focal point of awkward in a picture (though he is still giving the photographers a run for their money)!
Shea Stadium is as dangerous as ever: Another fan fell off the escalator, leading to serious injuries. Man, riding on the handrails might not have been a great idea.
Here at the Undrafted Free Agent, little sympathy is spared for stupidity. As such, we have created a t-shirt for like-minded Mets fans. Enjoy.
Germany clinched its first Olympic birth since 1992 on Sunday with a win over Puerto Rico. Surely, Dirk Nowitzki and native American turned German Chris Kaman were thrilled.
Unfortunately, the only comments about the victory came from Kaman, who said, "I've only been here 12 days but Dirk has waited 12 years for this to happen. I can't even imagine the emotions that he must be feeling at this moment."
The Dallas Mavericks’ best player was in the locker room in Greece bawling Sunday, like a baby or newlywed or player who has finally delivered on a promise to his country, his coach and himself.
Like a baby?!? I'm sure Dirk would have preferred his cry-fest be kept quiet, but can the description get any more harsh? Bawling should be reserved for situations like this:
Are you having trouble drawing fans to your football games? Do you want to create a connection with the fans while building team chemistry? Would you like to gain a better understanding of the business of college football?
Well, if you are play for Western Kentucky's football team, selling tickets door-to-door is for you!
Starting next week, nearly 100 WKU players and coaches will hit the pavement of local neighborhoods offering season tickets for $25. They will be split into for teams, and the team that sells the most wins a steak dinner.
“We had tremendous success with this initiative last year, and I am pleased we will be doing it again,” WKU coach David Elson said. “It enables our team to interact with the community that gives us such great support while also giving our student-athletes a unique perspective to the business side of athletics.
“I also believe good-natured competitions such as this help build team chemistry.”
Hopefully the sale is a success for WKU. Just watch out for any locals who open their doors expecting Girl Scout Cookies only to find football tickets.
After seeing all these bullies pick on Brett Favre (here, here, here, and here), I decided to channel my inner Chris Crocker and tell you all to leave Brett alone! I'm not a Favre fan , so this might be as hard as replacing him. [Ron P. Crimson, wearing green and yellow face paint, hiding beneath a bed sheet.]
How dare anyone out there make fun of Brett after all he has been through! He was questioned prior to the season, but came within a game of the Super Bowl. Then he had an interception and lost it all. He felt like he couldn't do that all again and had to retire. And now he is doubting himself and his decision, going through a hard time!
All you bloggers care about is readers and making money off of him. He's a human!
What you don't realize is that Brett is giving you all these readers, and all you do is write or photoshop a bunch of crap about him. He hasn't not played football in three decades!
Brett said he had an itch to play more for a reason. Because all you bloggers want is more, more, more, more, more!
Leave him alone! You are lucky he even played for you jerks! Leave Brett alone, please!
[I futilely attempt to stifle my tears.]
Someone out there talked about professionalism and said if Brett was a true professional, he wouldn't have sent text messages to the Packers no matter what. Speaking of professionalism, when is it professional to publicly bash someone who is going through a hard time? Leave Brett alone, please.
[The tears begin to flow.]
Leave Brett Favre alone right now! I mean it! Anyone that has a problem with him, you deal with me, because he is confused right now!
Yes, it's true. In fact, Jews outnumber Giants on this year's roster. "At least three players of Jewish descent" were named to the roster, though there may be more players with unknown Jewish blood powering their All-Star performances.
Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis, who openly identifies as a Jew, was named a starter. Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun was also named a starter, but only identifies himself as half-Jewish. Ian Kinsler, Rangers second baseman and another half-Jew, is a reserve.
Thanks, JTA! I was worried that MLB would be Jew-less after Shawn Green retires, but I guess there will always be something[1] drawing Jews to baseball.
1. The Undrafted Free Agent would like to apologize for perpetuating stereotypes. We are just frustrated that anyone found people of Jewish descent making an All-Star team all that newsworthy.
In the sports world, which is dominated by size, there are bound to be a few figures lacking such girth. Just look at Nate Robinson. But which ten sports figures have the biggest little Napoleon complexes? Here's the list!
10. Daniel Snyder Dan Snyder is a little guy who made it big, made big bucks, and now owns the Washington Redskins. He spends like he has something to prove, always pursuing big-named free agents and high-priced coaches. Who cares if he needs five body guards to follow his every move?
9. Jon Gruden Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden is intense and, at times, "verbally abusive" towards his players (and quarterbacks). How does Lincoln Kennedy, who played under Gruden in Oakland, view his former coach? "I'm 6-foot-7 and he's 5-foot-nothing. He's got the little scrunched up face, he takes shots at you ... to me, it's funny. It's hilarious when a little guy wants to rule the world," Kennedy said. 8. Juan Pablo Montoya Listed at 5-foot-6, 159-pounds, NASCAR' racer Juan Pablo Montoya is a wee height-challenged man. He ignores that fact and gets feisty when a large camera man pops out of nowhere. Thankfully, he is small and easily restrained by his wife.
7. Tom Cruise No list of little guys who think too highly of themselves and their self-worth can be complete without Tom Cruise. If you need a sports connection, look at his roles. He played a sports agent and a race car driver. 6. Danica Patrick Sure, there may be other psychological or biological causes of Danica's tantrum. I'll just say this one has to do with her exaggerated view of herself. What is with racers?
5. Eddie Gaedel Standing in at 3-foot-4, Eddie Gaedel is famous for being the shortest player in MLB history. But here's a little known fact: he had a temper. When he was walked on four straight pitches, the opposing second baseman laughed as Gaedel strolled down to first. The very next pitch, a double play ball was hit to the shortstop. Gaedel spiked the second baseman, breaking up the double play. If you believe that, oh boy, do I have a deal for you!
4. T.J. Ford T.J. Ford is 5-foot-11, 160 pounds, and susceptible to injury. But when he's mad, three grown men are needed to hold him back. If I was referee Mark Davis, I would make it a priority to cherish everyday, knowing I came so close to death at the hands of "Feisty" T.J. Ford.
3. David Stern David Stern is one of the more effective commissioners in professional sports (there isn't much competition, remember) ; the NBA is as profitable as ever. That being said, at some point (around the time Ron Artest flipped out), Stern became power-crazed and decided that the NBA was his league. He rules over the league like a tyrant, handing out suspensions for minor scuffles or making controlling new policies. How was absolute power placed in the hands of this diminutive man?
2. Ed Wade Hey, did you hear former Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon grabbed GM Ed Wade by the neck and threw him to the ground!?!?? While Chacon was wrong, Wade does have a history of a Napoleonic history. According to Randy Miller, stories of Wade's tantrums were shared by players and team employees alike. In 2005, Wade became upset in a meeting and threw a chair in Charlie Manuel's office, breaking two of its legs. As for the Chacon incident, he escalated the situation when he lost his temper and cursed at the pitcher. The reason for Wade's anger? Chacon failed to respect his supreme authority by ignoring his request for a meeting. Wade seems to forget that he is this guy. 1. Nate Robinson Has anyone ever fit the Napoleon complex bill better than Nate Robinson? At 5-foot-9, he is plenty short enough, especially compared to other NBA players. In the overcompensation department, "Nate the Great" always tries to act tough in an attempt to mask his height. He picked a fight with J.R. Smith, quarreled with fellow Knick Zach Randolph, fought with a naked Malik Rose in the shower, and went after Jerome James with a broom. We get it, Nate. You can fight bigger guys without getting killed! Did I forget a notable Napoleon complex? Leave a comment! Tell me I'm an idiot!
We are guessing that Kobe Bryant is unwilling to reply to Shaquille O'Neal's freestyle rap with a rap. So, we did it for him. Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
You're the "difference between first and last?" Did you forget about this season past? The Heat were 9-37 through the trade. The Suns were worse after it was made.
Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
Shaq, you is bashing Kareem. You is bashing Ewing. But how about Olajuwon? Oh, he kicked your tush one-on-one?
Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
You were given talent matched by very few. Then your tush just grew and grew. So much talent went to waste. Oh, and I don't know how your tush taste.
Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
Shaq, it was your darn itch, Needing to relations that woman. You should have been apologizing to Shaunie, 'Stead, you was complaining to me.
Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
Too often, money hungry NFL players are just full of shit when it comes to their contract demands. That's what I always say. St. Louis Rams running back Steve Jackson isn't demanding more guaranteed money or anything like that. Still, his girlfriend suggested he get his system cleaned out.
"My hands were covered in sweat, and the (colon therapist) lady comes in and starts talking my ear off. There's this thin hose-type-thing that you put up there that shoots water into you and sucks everything out, but I had trouble getting it in, and then it kept coming out. The lady had to come back six different times and put it back in there. It was brutal."
Interjected Harris: "When we got done and he walked out to the waiting room, I said, 'Steven, are you OK?' He said, 'I don't want to talk about it.' I swear to God, he looked like a kid who'd been in there with R Kelly."
Jackson laughed at the memory and shook his head in mock disbelief. "I can't believe we're talking about this," he said. "But I will say this: Once you get it all out of you, your body feels great. You get a boost of energy, and you feel like you can accomplish anything."
To put this in perspective, Johnny Knoxville had a colonic on Jackass. I can only imagine how unpleasant this experience was.
The following instant messaging conversation took place following the Celtics' championship win. Ron P. Crimson had no idea Celtics guard Ray Allen took exception to the Big Three nickname. He will find out now. Let's join them as the conversation begins...
Ronniecrimson78: Congratulations on the win, man. RayRay20celtics: Thanks. Ronniecrimson78: The title's back where it's supposed to be: Boston! RayRay20celtics: Haha. You know it. Ronniecrimson78: I knew the Big Three would bring it home. Big Three FTW! RayRay20celtics: Well, to be honest, it took every last one of us to win it. Really, we're the Big 15. Ronniecrimson78: OK. ;-) RayRay20celtics: What's that supposed to mean? Ronniecrimson78: Well, I mean... Scalabrine? RayRay20celtics: Yeah, Scalabrine. He was big, stepping up for us. Ronniecrimson78: Seriously? Scalabrine? RayRay20celtics: Yeah, Scalabrine! Ronniecrimson78: He didn't even suit up! RayRay20celtics: So? Have you seen him in practice? He can disappear, preparing us for Lamar Odom. Scalabrine was great. Ronniecrimson78: OK. Whatever. I guess Scalabrine did something, but the Big Three still won the thing for Boston! RayRay20celtics: OK, for the last time, stop calling us the Big Three! We are more than three players. I told you, there are fifteen players on the championship-winning Boston Celtics. Drop the entire Big Three thing! Ronniecrimson78: How about the Three Amigos? RayRay20celtics: Stop! Ronniecrimson78: The Three Basketeers? RayRay20celtics: Shut up! Ronniecrimson78: Parquet Posse? RayRay20celtics: Well, if it's referring to... Ronniecrimson78: The Boston Three Party! RayRay20celtics: We are a team! Any time there was that label, whether it was on TV, in a newspaper or we saw it traveling to another city, we just did our best to downplay it. We wouldn't have won with just Kevin, Paul, and me! So start saying the Celtics won! The media, people on Sportscenter, and fans are just masking the team's achievements by crediting the Big Three for the win. We're tired of it! Ronniecrimson78: Um, isn't that kind of hypocritical or at least irresponsible? RayRay20celtics: (Pause in typing) How so? Ronniecrimson78: I mean, the Big Three was more than a media creation. You, Garnett, and Pierce embraced the label. You guys went out and did interviews as a trio. Hell, you did multiple ESPNcommercials. In one, you decide on new nicknames for the Big Three. How can you complain now about the media and fans saying the Big Three won it or other stuff like that when eight months ago, you reveled in it? RayRay20celtics:(Pause in typing) I don't get what you're trying to say. Ronniecrimson78: OK. Look at Paris Hilton. She would go out of her way to be photographed by the paparazzi. They were key in making her into a celebrity even though she has done nothing to deserve it. How can she then complain about them, the people that she embraced to help make her famous? RayRay20celtics: Well, Paris Hilton is stupid. I got to go. Ronniecrimson78: Wait! RayRay20celtics: What? Ronniecrimson78: Is this actually Ray Allen? RayRay20celtics: Nope. Ronniecrimson78: Figures. RayRay20celtics: Bye.
You might have heard that the Celtics won last night. It's true. Kevin Garnett, previously a doubter, realized anything is possible, even him winning a championship. Of course, with victory comes many honors, the most prominent of which is Wheaties! Kevin Garnett with a proper jumpstart to his day? NBA, watch out for the repeat!
In all seriousness, congratulations to the Celtics for the win. Going wire-to-wire as the favorites is difficult task.
When the Buffalo Bills announced their plans to play eight games in Toronto, many longtime fans worried the beginning to the end was underway for their hometown franchise. I guess, we all just assumed the Canadians would welcome a real football team. Who knew they didn't want the Bills or the NFL?
If Canadian Senator Larry Campbell has his way, the Bills won't even step foot in his great land. Campbell drafted a bill that would effectively ban the NFL from playing regular season games in Canada.
The actual language is "no person owning or operating a football team within a foreign league shall require or permit that team to play football in Canada" and "no person shall play football within Canada as a player on a football team within a foreign league."
Why would Campbell want to ban the NFL from his country? Well, he wants you to remember a few things: Canadian football has existed longer than American football, the Grey Cup has symbolized Canadian "football supremacy", and the CFL "contributes to the bonds of nationhood across Canada."
Additionally, Campbell says the Toronto Argonauts would be unable to compete against the Bills for fans in the region, which would then destroy the Canadian game. Campbell and his like-minded Canadians will fight the americanization one of the last remaining Canadian institutions.
In other Campbell news, his implementation of the Downtown Eastside skid row doesn't sit well with some Canadians.
While playing on the U.S. Olympic team, Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh became good friends. Later, they became video game rivals.
"I remember during the summer, there was one video game we played and the first couple of times I beat him like crazy," Howard said. "He bought the game and practiced and practiced and practiced and he came back and he beat me. We really enjoy the rivalry."
Bosh, who averaged 33 points against Howard this season, wants to confine their rivalry to the XBox Live and basketball courts. Howard: not so much. He said they would wrestle occasionally but that Bosh avoids any and all physical confrontation.
"I wouldn't say that," said Bosh. "I might grab him and mess with him, but as soon as he gets for real, I back off. He's too strong."
Bosh will stick to Xbox LIVE, where he is practicing up on his Halo 3. He is just "okay" right now, but he is guaranteeing he will be pretty good soon. It is only a matter of time before Bosh battles Gilbert Arenas, the accused cheat. ("Sorry to all my friends and family who believed in me. I disgraced my Halo friends' names. LOL. I'm a beast in Halo 3.")
How does the online gaming community treat you when you claim you're an NBA player? "One dude was saying 'you're a fake!!!', and it really made me laugh. Sometimes I want to say something, but some people online say crazy stuff so its no telling what I'd hear."
After LeBron James missed a game-winning 3-point shot against the Wizards, DeShawn Stevenson told reporters that James was overrated.
James responded, saying, "With DeShawn Stevenson, it's kind of funny. It's almost like Jay-Z [responding to a negative comment] made by Soulja Boy. It doesn't make sense to respond."
Soulja Boy said: "I looked and didn't really think much about it. LeBron said something like he was Jay-Z and DeShawn [Stevenson] is Soulja Boy. I took that as [disrespectful]."
.jpg)
How does anybody turn to Chris Kaman for a haircut? Apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking along these same lines. Below is an exchange between Brad Townsend of the Dallas Morning News and Jason Kid.
