Your Highness,

Let me preface my comments by saying this: You're a great player. Nobody, absolutely nobody, has your combination of speed, strength, intelligence, and skill. You will be a legend of the game, which is why I'm writing you.

We both know you're great. You don't have to work the cameras like you do. Just look at yourself in these pictures.

After each dunk, each highlight, you face the crowd, the scrub trying to guard you, or your teammates. More often, you face the the cameras. You pose. You scream. You do everything, except run back down the court.

Why? So we take notice of your greatness? Sorry, but we already have.

Last Wednesday,you took to dancing midplay. You shook your leg, your body, and Drew Gooden. You freed up Delonte West for an open three. But what made the nightly highlights? This: "OmGZ! Luk at Leebrone!"

Again, I ask you to stop. Enough is enough.

Sincerely,

Mr. Crimson

Of all the news that I missed over the last week, nothing was more shocking than learning that Chris Kaman is a barber. For a refresher, here are a few pictures of Chris Kaman.




How does anybody turn to Chris Kaman for a haircut? Apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking along these same lines. Below is an exchange between Brad Townsend of the Dallas Morning News and Jason Kid.

Kidd: "Hey, have you talked to Dirk?"
Townsend: "Yeah. Have you seen his hair?"
Kidd: "Yeah. Man, who did that?"
Townsend: "Chris Kaman. If you are Dirk and you make his money, do you let Chris Kaman cut your hair?"
Kidd: "No way."

As you might have imagined, I would never let Chris Kaman touch my mane.

As I mentioned before, I skipped out on the end of the United States' thrashing of China. What a stupid mistake! I missed out on the following gem from Kobe. Thankfully, Tirico Suave has my back with the video and some masterful editing.

I, like President Bush, was one of one billion fans who chose to watch the "Redeem Team" take on Yao Ming and his Chinese brethren. The United States won by an unknown (to me) final score. I, like President Bush, stopped watching when the game was over instead of when the game was officially over.

LeBron and the U.S. steamrolled through China.

There were a few thoughts -- recurring themes, if you will -- that kept coming to mind as I watched the game. They are:

• I really, really, really dislike Dwyane Wade. If he ever decides to play with intelligence instead of relying solely on his athleticism, he would be as good as he is portrayed to be. Unfortunately, I've been saying that for years now. Defensively, Wade is still incapable of sliding his feet; instead, he runs alongside offensive players, jetting into passing lanes. Thankfully for the U.S., his opponents have been unable to convert.
• Dwyane Wade needs to stop cherry-picking. I'm sorry, but I had to give this its own bullet. At least two times, Wade strolled back on defense, reached the three-point line, and after a Chinese miss, sprinted to the offensive end for an easy dunk. You can call it cherry-picking or sand-bagging (or whatever else), but this fact remains: you wouldn't get away with that crap at the YMCA. D-Wade does it in the Olympics?
• Chris Paul has improved defensively. I know, China's guards aren't the physical types that typically give him fits, but Chris Paul was noticeably this time around. Following an exhibition game against China two years ago, I wrote this: "While I’m bashing some of the NBA’s young stars, I might as well hoop on over to the Chris Paul bandwagon... where I subsequently beat the driver of the aforementioned wagon with a baseball bat. Chris Paul is quickly becoming the most overrated player in the NBA; sure, he’s a step above spectacular offensively, but he cannot stay in front of his man for the life of him (at which time I flash back to Carlos Arroyo shooting a lay-up while CP3 was still scratchin’ his head at the free throw line). At this point he isn’t even average defensively." Obviously, I can't write that anymore.
• Jason Kidd has no business playing, let alone starting. During the telecast, Mike Breen mentioned that Dara Torres was an inspiration to an old-in-the-tooth Jason Kidd. I laughed. Torres -- despite her age -- posted the best split on her medley team, whereas Kidd is easily third-fiddle at his own position. Deron Williams and Chris Paul are better creators, shooters, and -- at least today -- defenders. Experience didn't really do much for Kidd.
• LeBron James is really a fine player. Need I say more?

Every summer, the NBA gathers its rookies together for a publicity photo shoot, and every summer, I become more and more convinced the photographers try to make the pictures fun creating awkward poses. This year, the rookies -- especially Joe Alexander -- are hilarious as ever.

(Note: If you want the large versions, click on the pictures.)

For fifteen cents a day, you can save an impoverished child like Anthony Randolph.

JaVale McGee, equipped with a headband and laser eyes, will destroy you.

What is he grabbing? OMGZ!

"All I wanted was a big boy chair."

Mario had to stand on the stool, and he didn't even get a number?!!?!

While tiptoeing, Mario changed his tune; the stool wasn't so bad after all.

Roy Hibbert is one seductive seven-foot-three-er. Ladies...

Has any 6-10 power forward been transformed into a nonathletic point guard through the magic of film?

Middle school volleyball players don't even dare to try this pose.

Joe "I'm Just Programmed to Stiffen Up in Front of Cameras, OK!" Alexander. (Editor's Note: Despite his up-and-coming porn 'stache, we did not intend for the double meaning in Joe's nickname. The Undrafted Free Agent regrets the error.)

Little known fact: Joe Alexander was a top-ranked Chinese star-throwing ninja before returning to the United States. Hence this picture.

Joe being Joe With Hand.

It may just be me, but there seems to be a bit of The Price is Right in this pose.

Joe has loads of charisma.

Finally, Joe isn't the focal point of awkward in a picture (though he is still giving the photographers a run for their money)!

Germany clinched its first Olympic birth since 1992 on Sunday with a win over Puerto Rico. Surely, Dirk Nowitzki and native American turned German Chris Kaman were thrilled.

Unfortunately, the only comments about the victory came from Kaman, who said, "I've only been here 12 days but Dirk has waited 12 years for this to happen. I can't even imagine the emotions that he must be feeling at this moment."

If he looked around the German locker room, Kaman could have seen the result of Dirk's emotions. Dirk, according to a blunt story in the Star-Telegram, was crying. A lot.

The Dallas Mavericks’ best player was in the locker room in Greece bawling Sunday, like a baby or newlywed or player who has finally delivered on a promise to his country, his coach and himself.

Like a baby?!? I'm sure Dirk would have preferred his cry-fest be kept quiet, but can the description get any more harsh? Bawling should be reserved for situations like this:

Dirk managed to hold back tears in the past.

Over the span of two days and two games, Miami Heat forward Michael Beasley proved summer league games, in the grand scheme of things, mean little to nothing.

On Monday, Beasley made his summer league debut against the Chicago Bulls, led by fellow super-prospect Derrick Rose. Beasley dominated, scoring 28 points in 23 minutes against very good NBA defenders in Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah. He was having fun on the court, laughing, joking and singing as his team rolled over the Bulls.

The general consensus, it seemed , was that Beasley is a superstar.

Then came Tuesday, and things didn't go very well for the Heat forward. Beasley tallied just 9 points on 1-13 shooting to go along with 5 turnovers and 7 fouls. Visibly upset with his play, Beasley barked at the refs. Overall, his performance was less-than-stellar, to say the least.

The general consensus changed. Beasley is a rookie who might become a superstar.

If a player's entire future isn't determined by a single summer league game, what are they good for? The games give fans and coaches a first look at rookies or see how a second or third year player has developed over the summer. What are their strengths and weaknesses? Is his jump shot any better this year?

The key thing is this: do not overreact to each game. Remember, even Marcus Banks scored 42 points in his lone game last summer.

***

Since we're on the topic, how 'bout a video of Michael Beasley getting swatted by Tyrus Thomas?

Either Dante or Galante, who together form the legendary Orlando summer league announcing duo, had a brilliant call at the end: "[Beasley's] very upset as he smiles walking past half court." Thanks to Odenized for posting the video.

Sonics fans watch as their collective puppy is run over by a semi.

The Saga in Seattle is over, and the Kevin Durants (a temporary name, I would assume) are on their way to Oklahoma. The city of Seattle and the franchise which once called it home reached a deal yesterday, ending an era in a great basketball city.

The owners, led by that evil [expletive] Clay Bennett, will pay Seattle $45 million to get out of their lease. If Seattle builds a new arena, and a team doesn't move in by 2013, the owners, led by that evil [expletive] Clay Bennett, will pay Seattle an additional $30 million.

That adds up to $75 million, which, interestingly enough, is more than the $60 million the owners, led by that evil [expletive] Clay Bennett, claimed they would lose if they stayed in the Emerald City.

"The transition and move of this team begins tomorrow morning," Bennett said in Oklahoma City, forgetting relocation began when he bought the Sonics in 2006.

But for all you Sonics fans who are rather depressed, there is good news: the team's moniker, the Sonics, will not be making the move to Oklahoma! Yes?!?

I mean, who cares if you endured years of mediocrity to land one of the best prospects of this decade, Kevin Durant? Who cares if he teased you with his potential, realizing you won't get a chance to see it met? Who cares that, when a new team decides to move to Seattle, you will have to watch your former superstar destroy your crappy new team?

The NBA doesn't care.

They couldn't win the trifecta.

We are guessing that Kobe Bryant is unwilling to reply to Shaquille O'Neal's freestyle rap with a rap. So, we did it for him.
Shaq knows who I be.
He ain't won without players like me.
Penny, Wade, and Kobe.
Can't you see?
He ain't won without players like me.

You're the "difference between first and last?"
Did you forget about this season past?
The Heat were 9-37 through the trade.
The Suns were worse after it was made.

Shaq knows who I be.
He ain't won without players like me.
Penny, Wade, and Kobe.
Can't you see?
He ain't won without players like me.

Shaq, you is bashing Kareem.
You is bashing Ewing.
But how about Olajuwon?
Oh, he kicked your tush one-on-one?

Shaq knows who I be.
He ain't won without players like me.
Penny, Wade, and Kobe.
Can't you see?
He ain't won without players like me.

You were given talent matched by very few.
Then your tush just grew and grew.
So much talent went to waste.
Oh, and I don't know how your tush taste.

Shaq knows who I be.
He ain't won without players like me.
Penny, Wade, and Kobe.
Can't you see?
He ain't won without players like me.

Shaq, it was your darn itch,
Needing to relations that woman.
You should have been apologizing to Shaunie,
'Stead, you was complaining to me.

Shaq knows who I be.
He ain't won without players like me.
Penny, Wade, and Kobe.
Can't you see?
He ain't won without players like me.

New Orleans Hornets Rasual Butler was arrested Monday morning and charged for carrying a concealed weapon and wrongful display of a firearm.

Rasual Butler is an idiot. Really, it's as simple as that.

Here is the summarized version of the incident according to South Beach police and witnesses. As Butler was leaving Club Mansion, he started pointing his gun at and threatening several people. The police arrived shortly thereafter to find Butler sitting in the back of his Navigator. He told the officers the gun was on the floorboard. They found a gun that was "loaded, with a round in the chamber, ready to fire."

He was taken in to the shop, though he maintained, "I'm a professional athlete, I didn't do anything wrong."

I love how the go-to defense for any South Beach arrest has to do with "athlete" and "didn't do anything wrong." I mean, they screwed Gilbert Arenas over with a disobeying the police arrest. Still, I don't see how that compares. Rasual, you told the cops you were carrying a gun that you legally couldn't carry in Florida! Maybe if you hadn't threatened other club-goers with it, your civil rights wouldn't have been violated by those pesky police officers.

Again, Rasual Butler is an idiot. Don't let your kids be idiots.

Shaquille O'Neal decided to take his feud with Kobe Bryant to the next level: he rapped about it. While at a New York club, Shaq ripped on Kobe for losing in the Finals. He then claimed Kobe caused his divorce.

The following instant messaging conversation took place following the Celtics' championship win. Ron P. Crimson had no idea Celtics guard Ray Allen took exception to the Big Three nickname. He will find out now. Let's join them as the conversation begins...

Ronniecrimson78: Congratulations on the win, man.
RayRay20celtics: Thanks.
Ronniecrimson78: The title's back where it's supposed to be: Boston!
RayRay20celtics: Haha. You know it.
Ronniecrimson78: I knew the Big Three would bring it home. Big Three FTW!
RayRay20celtics: Well, to be honest, it took every last one of us to win it. Really, we're the Big 15.
Ronniecrimson78: OK. ;-)
RayRay20celtics: What's that supposed to mean?
Ronniecrimson78: Well, I mean... Scalabrine?
RayRay20celtics: Yeah, Scalabrine. He was big, stepping up for us.
Ronniecrimson78: Seriously? Scalabrine?
RayRay20celtics: Yeah, Scalabrine!
Ronniecrimson78: He didn't even suit up!
RayRay20celtics: So? Have you seen him in practice? He can disappear, preparing us for Lamar Odom. Scalabrine was great.
Ronniecrimson78: OK. Whatever. I guess Scalabrine did something, but the Big Three still won the thing for Boston!
RayRay20celtics: OK, for the last time, stop calling us the Big Three! We are more than three players. I told you, there are fifteen players on the championship-winning Boston Celtics. Drop the entire Big Three thing!
Ronniecrimson78: How about the Three Amigos?
RayRay20celtics: Stop!
Ronniecrimson78: The Three Basketeers?
RayRay20celtics: Shut up!
Ronniecrimson78: Parquet Posse?
RayRay20celtics: Well, if it's referring to...
Ronniecrimson78: The Boston Three Party!
RayRay20celtics: We are a team! Any time there was that label, whether it was on TV, in a newspaper or we saw it traveling to another city, we just did our best to downplay it. We wouldn't have won with just Kevin, Paul, and me! So start saying the Celtics won! The media, people on Sportscenter, and fans are just masking the team's achievements by crediting the Big Three for the win. We're tired of it!
Ronniecrimson78: Um, isn't that kind of hypocritical or at least irresponsible?
RayRay20celtics: (Pause in typing) How so?
Ronniecrimson78: I mean, the Big Three was more than a media creation. You, Garnett, and Pierce embraced the label. You guys went out and did interviews as a trio. Hell, you did multiple ESPN commercials. In one, you decide on new nicknames for the Big Three. How can you complain now about the media and fans saying the Big Three won it or other stuff like that when eight months ago, you reveled in it?
RayRay20celtics: (Pause in typing) I don't get what you're trying to say.
Ronniecrimson78: OK. Look at Paris Hilton. She would go out of her way to be photographed by the paparazzi. They were key in making her into a celebrity even though she has done nothing to deserve it. How can she then complain about them, the people that she embraced to help make her famous?
RayRay20celtics: Well, Paris Hilton is stupid. I got to go.
Ronniecrimson78: Wait!
RayRay20celtics: What?
Ronniecrimson78: Is this actually Ray Allen?
RayRay20celtics: Nope.
Ronniecrimson78: Figures.
RayRay20celtics: Bye.

Boston's Championship X-Factor

Lamar Odom Ain't This Darn Intimidating

Seriously?

You might have heard that the Celtics won last night. It's true. Kevin Garnett, previously a doubter, realized anything is possible, even him winning a championship. Of course, with victory comes many honors, the most prominent of which is Wheaties! Kevin Garnett with a proper jumpstart to his day? NBA, watch out for the repeat!

In all seriousness, congratulations to the Celtics for the win. Going wire-to-wire as the favorites is difficult task.

The Chicago Bulls have been waiting to hire the right coach since April 17 when they dismissed interim coach Jim Boylan. Their fans (and by fans, I mean me) have been waiting all season for someone anyone capable of leading a group of young players.

According to Mike McGraw of the Daily Herald, the Bulls have finally found their man in Vinny Del Negro. Um, what?

Del Negro was a late arrival to the search process and has no formal coaching experience. He spent last season as an assistant to Phoenix Suns general manager Steve Kerr. Prior to that, he was a broadcaster for the Suns and San Antonio Spurs.

Though never officially an NBA coach, Del Negro has a history of working directly with players and will be expected to hire experienced assistants to fill his staff. He impressed Bulls general manager John Paxson during a two-day visit to Deerfield last week.

I think we can agree that the Bulls are team that lacks experience and need leadership. They are the youngest team in the league, and with the first pick, they are set to get younger. For some reason, hiring someone who has never coached on the NBA level seems illogical to me. That being said, my worries have been put on ease a bit; a Suns announcer was on the Chicago radio today and said two experienced coaches were interested in joining Del Negro's staff if he were to be hired.

Del Negro's coaching experience aside, he does come from Phoenix. His familiarity with an up-tempo offense would be great in Chicago because--wait for it, wait for it-- they lack a go to post scorer. At least that is what I am told. Really, it would just be nice to have athletes like Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah, who are might no be great in a half-court set, get easy baskets by outrunning the opposing bigs.

So, Vinny Del Negro (whose last name is just hilarious when you start learning Spanish) will be the Bulls coach. Things could be worse.

In "A Night at Staples," the important questions are asked to Los Angeles Lakers superstars Sasha Vujacic, Ronny Turiaf, and Luke Walton. Isn't losing a very viable option? How is there a downside to "win or go home?" And Sasha, how do you reach 110%?

When Benny the Bull was asked to appear on Jerry Springer, he had a bad feeling. His animal-like instincts were proven correct; his best friend, Lil' Benny, was sleeping around with his girlfriend. Though most laughed, this was no laughing matter for Benny. His life was stuck in a downward spin. He was no longer the Benny we all knew and loved. He shot people. Finally, his assistant stepped in to make things right.

In the words of the legendary Luke Stuckmeyer, "Bros before hoes."

George Karl, show the world how you and your staff prepare for a big playoff game.

While playing on the U.S. Olympic team, Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh became good friends. Later, they became video game rivals.

"I remember during the summer, there was one video game we played and the first couple of times I beat him like crazy," Howard said. "He bought the game and practiced and practiced and practiced and he came back and he beat me. We really enjoy the rivalry."

Bosh, who averaged 33 points against Howard this season, wants to confine their rivalry to the XBox Live and basketball courts. Howard: not so much. He said they would wrestle occasionally but that Bosh avoids any and all physical confrontation.

"I wouldn't say that," said Bosh. "I might grab him and mess with him, but as soon as he gets for real, I back off. He's too strong."

Bosh will stick to Xbox LIVE, where he is practicing up on his Halo 3. He is just "okay" right now, but he is guaranteeing he will be pretty good soon. It is only a matter of time before Bosh battles Gilbert Arenas, the accused cheat. ("Sorry to all my friends and family who believed in me. I disgraced my Halo friends' names. LOL. I'm a beast in Halo 3.")

How does the online gaming community treat you when you claim you're an NBA player? "One dude was saying 'you're a fake!!!', and it really made me laugh. Sometimes I want to say something, but some people online say crazy stuff so its no telling what I'd hear."

After LeBron James missed a game-winning 3-point shot against the Wizards, DeShawn Stevenson told reporters that James was overrated.

James responded, saying, "With DeShawn Stevenson, it's kind of funny. It's almost like Jay-Z [responding to a negative comment] made by Soulja Boy. It doesn't make sense to respond."

How did Soulja Boy feel about these comments?

Soulja Boy said: "I looked and didn't really think much about it. LeBron said something like he was Jay-Z and DeShawn [Stevenson] is Soulja Boy. I took that as [disrespectful]."

LeBron said the statement was not meant to be disrespectful to Soulja Boy.

If he wanted to offend him, LBJ could have been honest. Unlike Soulja Boy, DeShawn Stevenson is at least serviceable at his craft. Soulja Boy is more like Stromile Swift: they might fool you into thinking they are decent, but then you remember they are stupid and suck.

Too bad Soulja Boy can't get passed his false sense of importance ("When I first came out, there [were] a lot of people that did my dance from football players to basketball players to soccer players so this makes me feel like a very important individual.") and realize it was a compliment.

Two great tanks collided on Tuesday night as the Chicago Bulls and Milwaukee Bucks, both lottery-bound, combined to give up 286 points(or score, if you want to "glass half-full" about it). Like Chris Duhon said, "it was kind of like an All-Star game out there; no defense was being played." Of course, short of the All-Stars.

Thriving in this defenseless game was Bucks rookie point guard Ramon Sessions. Sessions set a franchise record with 24 assists. Adding 20 points, Sessions posted the first 20 points and 20 assists game in franchise history. Needless to say, this wasn't a typical game for Sessions. He spent most of the season in the D-League and has played in just 16 games.

With Sessions in mind, here are the Top 5 Scrubalicious Stat Lines in NBA History (That I Can Remember).

5. Milwaukee Bucks guard Ramon Sessions
April 14, 2008 against the Chicago Bulls
Stat line: 20 points, 24 assists, 8 rebounds

4. Memphis Grizzlies center Lorenzen Wright
November 4, 2001 against the Dallas Mavericks
Stat line: 33 points, 26 rebounds

3. Washington Wizards forward Tracy Murray
February 10, 1998 against the Golden State Warriors
Stat line: 50 points, 8 rebounds

2. Orlando Magic forward Bo Outlaw
April 17, 1998 against the New Jersey Nets
Stat line: 25 points, 10-11 FG, 13 rebounds, 10 assists, 5 blocks

1. Phoenix Suns guard Tony Delk
January 2, 2001 against the Sacramento Kings
Stat line: 53 points, 20-27 FG, 13-15 FT, 6 rebounds

With apologies to Willie Burton and Dana Barros, those were the Top 5 Scrubalicious Stat Lines in NBA History (That I Can Remember). And yes, we used the term scrub loosely.