Of all the news that I missed over the last week, nothing was more shocking than learning that Chris Kaman is a barber. For a refresher, here are a few pictures of Chris Kaman.




How does anybody turn to Chris Kaman for a haircut? Apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking along these same lines. Below is an exchange between Brad Townsend of the Dallas Morning News and Jason Kid.

Kidd: "Hey, have you talked to Dirk?"
Townsend: "Yeah. Have you seen his hair?"
Kidd: "Yeah. Man, who did that?"
Townsend: "Chris Kaman. If you are Dirk and you make his money, do you let Chris Kaman cut your hair?"
Kidd: "No way."

As you might have imagined, I would never let Chris Kaman touch my mane.

As I mentioned before, I skipped out on the end of the United States' thrashing of China. What a stupid mistake! I missed out on the following gem from Kobe. Thankfully, Tirico Suave has my back with the video and some masterful editing.

I, like President Bush, was one of one billion fans who chose to watch the "Redeem Team" take on Yao Ming and his Chinese brethren. The United States won by an unknown (to me) final score. I, like President Bush, stopped watching when the game was over instead of when the game was officially over.

LeBron and the U.S. steamrolled through China.

There were a few thoughts -- recurring themes, if you will -- that kept coming to mind as I watched the game. They are:

• I really, really, really dislike Dwyane Wade. If he ever decides to play with intelligence instead of relying solely on his athleticism, he would be as good as he is portrayed to be. Unfortunately, I've been saying that for years now. Defensively, Wade is still incapable of sliding his feet; instead, he runs alongside offensive players, jetting into passing lanes. Thankfully for the U.S., his opponents have been unable to convert.
• Dwyane Wade needs to stop cherry-picking. I'm sorry, but I had to give this its own bullet. At least two times, Wade strolled back on defense, reached the three-point line, and after a Chinese miss, sprinted to the offensive end for an easy dunk. You can call it cherry-picking or sand-bagging (or whatever else), but this fact remains: you wouldn't get away with that crap at the YMCA. D-Wade does it in the Olympics?
• Chris Paul has improved defensively. I know, China's guards aren't the physical types that typically give him fits, but Chris Paul was noticeably this time around. Following an exhibition game against China two years ago, I wrote this: "While I’m bashing some of the NBA’s young stars, I might as well hoop on over to the Chris Paul bandwagon... where I subsequently beat the driver of the aforementioned wagon with a baseball bat. Chris Paul is quickly becoming the most overrated player in the NBA; sure, he’s a step above spectacular offensively, but he cannot stay in front of his man for the life of him (at which time I flash back to Carlos Arroyo shooting a lay-up while CP3 was still scratchin’ his head at the free throw line). At this point he isn’t even average defensively." Obviously, I can't write that anymore.
• Jason Kidd has no business playing, let alone starting. During the telecast, Mike Breen mentioned that Dara Torres was an inspiration to an old-in-the-tooth Jason Kidd. I laughed. Torres -- despite her age -- posted the best split on her medley team, whereas Kidd is easily third-fiddle at his own position. Deron Williams and Chris Paul are better creators, shooters, and -- at least today -- defenders. Experience didn't really do much for Kidd.
• LeBron James is really a fine player. Need I say more?

China brought out all the stops for the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. The country's most famous director, Zhang Yimou, spent three years designing a 10,000-man production that was to encompass 5,000 years of Chinese history.

The entire show was to be a grand surprise, a secret. That is, until those pesky South Koreans got involved. A video crew captured and aired images of whales, a colorful globe, high-flying performers, and a choreographed countdown during a rehearsal.

Sun Weide, an Olympics spokesperson, acknowledged the leak was "disappointing," but said "the fragments cannot demonstrate the full picture of the spectacular opening ceremony."

Whew! That's a relief!

So how, exactly, did the South Korean network even get into the rehearsal? There was no sneaking involved; all they had to do was show officials their ID cards.

In other news, researchers have discovered an inverse relationship between Chinese capitalism and (ancient) Chinese secret-keeping ability.

Germany clinched its first Olympic birth since 1992 on Sunday with a win over Puerto Rico. Surely, Dirk Nowitzki and native American turned German Chris Kaman were thrilled.

Unfortunately, the only comments about the victory came from Kaman, who said, "I've only been here 12 days but Dirk has waited 12 years for this to happen. I can't even imagine the emotions that he must be feeling at this moment."

If he looked around the German locker room, Kaman could have seen the result of Dirk's emotions. Dirk, according to a blunt story in the Star-Telegram, was crying. A lot.

The Dallas Mavericks’ best player was in the locker room in Greece bawling Sunday, like a baby or newlywed or player who has finally delivered on a promise to his country, his coach and himself.

Like a baby?!? I'm sure Dirk would have preferred his cry-fest be kept quiet, but can the description get any more harsh? Bawling should be reserved for situations like this:

Dirk managed to hold back tears in the past.